so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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