I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
