So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
