I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
