I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I want to fling myself into the sun
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
