are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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