While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
