After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
