Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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