do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
