I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
