dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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