gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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