get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
