You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
