im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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