I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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