Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
