Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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