i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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