So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
