I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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