Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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