i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
