Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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