Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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