nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
