I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
