dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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