Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
