I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
