i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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