AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
