remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
