You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize