My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
