you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
