I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
