its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
