My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
