I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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