I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
