That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
