I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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