after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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