He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
