My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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