I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
