im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
