i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
