This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
