you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The ass gains better be worth it
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