I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
