**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I need water and some morals
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
