My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You left your phone here
Wait...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
