I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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