Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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