My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
