if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
