I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
