and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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