I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
