on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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