I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
