Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
