Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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