i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
