i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am one with the molecules
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
